


본론부터 말하자면 i’m in pain

by stilinscry



Series: nct drabbles [9]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Eating Disorders, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Vomiting, rated T because of the themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 17:52:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10813869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stilinscry/pseuds/stilinscry
Summary: donghyuck isn't okay but maybe one day he will be





	본론부터 말하자면 i’m in pain

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this includes graphic depictions of throwing up so if that triggers u this is not ur fic  
> also just sad mental health themes so yh, u have been warned
> 
> title is lyrics from san e - counsellor (its a great song, y'all should rlly listen to it)

The blood splattered against the toilet is a stark contrast to the white. It shouldn’t be there, yet when Donghyuck heaves again it stains the bowl even more, mixing in with the rest of the food he’s thrown up. This isn’t the first time he’s forced his dinner back up, and it won’t be the last, but it’s definitely the first time Donghyuck’s ever seen the consequences of what he’s doing to himself with his own eyes. 

He pushes his fingers down his throat one last time, emptying the rest of his stomach into the toilet. His throat burns, slick with the acid that should be lining his stomach and Donghyuck coughs, choking on his own spit as he moves to flush the toilet. 

When he stands to wash his hands, what he sees in the mirror scares him. He’s pale, a far stray from his normal tan and his skin looks more delicate than even Taeyong’s. There’s a streak of blood, running from his lip to the bottom of his chin and when he wipes it away with the back of his hand it smudges underneath his mouth. He shakes his head and turns on the tap, washing his hands clean before leaning down to wash his face. 

The water that drips back into the sink is a pale pink, tainted with the blood still lining his mouth but Donghyuck forces himself to ignore it. He brushes his teeth, using an excessive amount of toothpaste to try and rid the taste of vomit from his mouth and whilst it works, Donghyuck still doesn’t feel clean. He swipes his tongue behind the back of his teeth, only tasting mint yet still feeling wrong. It’s always the same. No matter how much he tries, the taste is still there. The regret is still there. 

He cleans the toilet next, making sure that there’s no trace of what he’s been doing for the hyungs to find. He can’t even imagine how they’d react. Probably throw him out of the group for being so disgusting, he thinks. And he can’t have that, not after he’s worked so hard to be perfect like the rest of the members. He’s finally losing enough weight for it to be noticeable, they can’t take this away from him now. 

Only when he’s sure everything’s back in order does he leave the bathroom, flicking the light off as he goes. Mark is snoring quietly when he gets back to their room and Donghyuck can’t help but smile at him because even when he’s sleeping, he’s still somehow ridiculously adorable. He doesn’t hesitate to crawl into his friend’s bed and he huffs out a laugh when Mark instinctively curls up against him. 

“Hyuck, is that you?” he asks, words slurred with sleep and Donghyuck hums in response. That’s all he needs apparently, because then Mark is pressing a gentle kiss to the crook of Donghyuck’s neck and mumbling something intelligible before falling back asleep. It makes Donghyuck’s heart tug and he presses his own kiss to Mark’s temple before settling back against the mattress. 

His throat hurts and his stomach aches but Donghyuck doesn’t care about either of those things if it means he’s a step closer to being good enough. Good enough for Mark. Good enough for the group. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be good enough for the voices in his head but that’s a problem for another day. Right now he’s content to lie here, curled up in Mark’s arms thinking about how one day he’ll be enough. 

**Author's Note:**

> my depression has come back in full force recently and im having real troubles with food so i guess this is just me venting ??? im sorry hyuckie u dont deserve this
> 
> (im deactivated atm but talk to me on twt @127uits or @haechanjpeg)


End file.
